“What a beautiful(cute, adorable...insert complimentary adjective here) baby! How old is he?”
“2 months”
“2 months!!?? He's so big!”
(My Inside voice) “Really? The fact that he's doubled his weight in 2 months had totally escaped me, especially since I'm the one carrying him around all the time..thank you for pointing that out!”
(My Outside voice) “Uh huh.”
“So is he sleeping through the night yet?”
(My Inside voice) “What are you on crack? Two month old babies only sleep through the night in books or movies, or they're your grandbabies! Why is it that sleeping through the night is some sort of parenthood badge, like you get a gold “Z” to wear on your lapel if your baby sleeps through the night? And taking them to bed with you at 1am and getting up at 5am does not constitute sleeping through the night, even if you're “up at 5 normally anyway.” (liar)
(My Outside voice) “No, not yet. We have him in the bed though so we hardly wake up.”
“Oh.” (insert knowing “You're Going to Regret That” Look here)
“Well good luck with that.”
(My Inside voice) “You're just jealous because my baby is so damn good looking, and so am I”
(My Outside voice) “Thanks!”
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I just bought a pack of size 2 diapers. It's not the size 2 that even bothered me. Its the big bright letters on the front that proclaim “New Baby Shaped Fit.”
What the hell? Were they terodactyl shaped fit before? Race car shaped fit? They're diapers for christ sake, of course they have a baby shape!
The entire advertising industry should be wiped out and started over with.
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It's amazing how people know everything about your baby after holding him for 5 minutes, and aren't afraid to share it with you, like they have some sort of all knowing superpower and its new information to you.
“Wow, he's got a lot of gas, eh?”
Maybe he just farted on you because he doesn't like the smell of your stinky perfume. And if that's the case, c'mon over here so I can fart on you too.
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