Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The mass formerly known as my brain.

The past few days have been...difficult. I wrote a little post all about it on my birthday, and then took it away (but didn't delete it) and now I'm kind of feeling like it's OK to share again. So here it is, an edited version of what's going on in the mass formerly known as my brain.

So today was an interesting day...started out good, then went towards bad, but bad in a cathartic kind of way, with a positive outcome. We started out the day with breakfast (mmm...omletty goodness!) and then Steve had to head off to work. Griffin and I bundled up in our woollies and headed off to the Shelburne Fall Fair with our friends Cara and Graham. It was frickin COLD outside, windy and rainy, but we got in a few rides on the merry-go-round, saw some GIGANTIC pumpkins, some prize winning pies and some impressive displays of vegetable and vegetable art (only in the country, my friends!) We then headed off to a local establishment, joined by our respective husbands, for some soul warming goodness. What a delightful morning and afternoon

Then we came home and I had a meltdown.


My meltdowns have become frighteningly more and more frequent as my frustration with numerous things grows. I am unhappy with the way the new job is going, much of my unhappiness is based on my lack of success thus far in my new career. I did spit out a few words today, words that have been lurking in my head for the past few months, that I have been scared to utter.... scared because I feel like being a Mom is the one thing that I'm doing well these days. Everything else seems to be a mess - I'm exhausted all the time, can't remember things, and have zero drive to do anything except for love my baby boy...and some days even that's hard. So, admitting that I may be suffering from a bit of Postpartum Depression makes me feel like I am failing Motherhood too - the one thing that I actually feel like (most days) I have a grip on.

So there, I said it - my symptoms (and there is, unfortunately, a much longer list of them) seem to be consistent with those of PPD...it sounds so ugly to even say those words, but I feel even a little bit better just admitting to it. You know that whole "admitting that you have a problem is the first step towards recovery" deal...well, it appears to be true.

One of the things that scared me about PPD is the way that "they" fix it - by pumping you full of drugs. But my quick bit of research today has indicated that there are plenty of homeopathic remedies that can also fix your troubles. This made me feel much more positive about the whole thing - admitting to it, and knowing that there are drug free ways to fix things makes me feel 10 times better already.

So that was Saturday. And now we're back at today.

I've been to the naturopath since writing that post, and she assured me that there were plenty of ways to help. She pretty much said that what I had on my plate would drive even the most normal person batty, and assured me that we could deal with this in a least invasive kind of way. She gave me some potions (one of which I wouldn't call noninvasive at all- it tastes like battery acid!) and some diet suggestions. She also said that she could do all that was humanly possible to make my body a happier place, but that if I had this BIG THING lurking in the corner (the job that I currently despise) that no amount of lotions and potions were going to get me over that. So I'm still dealing with that.

I don't have the concentration or the drive right now, which is making a sales oriented job very hard to do. There are things I don't like that may be better when I have a bit of success in the job, and there are things that I don't like that will be easier (thus better) when I find my brain again, but there are things that I don't enjoy that aren't going to go away, no matter how healthy in mind and body I am. So do I push on, give it my all, and suck it up? Quit while I'm ahead (well...behind actually.) I'm not willing to work a job that makes me miserable, even though it may make me rich (relatively speaking.) But I'm also not in the position to walk away from a well paying job right now with nothing in the wings. Ahhhhh....

We are also quickly realizing that having 2 people in the house with very unpredictable hours is less than ideal with a toddler. Not to mention the days when we plan on having 2 munchkins wandering around! Also finding a new career that didn't include BENEFITS was another brain lapse on my part...I mean, c'mon!!

I could go on for hours about all the jazz floating around in the mass formerly known as my brain, but you'd get bored. In fact, you likely are already! So I'm off. I'd love to hear your comments though - unless you think I'm ape-shit crazy - then you can keep your darn thoughts to yourself! (Unless you know about a well paying 9 to 5 job with benefits in my area!!)

And now, for all of you who just come here to see pictures of the cute kid, and not hear all about his crazy mother, I bow to your wishes...

8 comments:

Kate said...

I love you, Jenn. Meltdowns are so part of it all, we should compare notes. You're a great mother, an awesome lady, and a brilliant worker, its just that you now work in a fog. Me too. We should rename PPD so it doesn't sound so bad - how about "I think I'm suffering from Need a Lot of Candy Right Now, you know, NLCRN."

Jenn said...

Need a Lot of Chocolate Right Now.

Need a Lot of Coffee Right Now.

I could go on...

Thanks Kater, it's certainly been great having Mamas like you to bounce stuff off!!

Gretel said...

Like the naturalpath said, even if your brain and body weren't conspiring to make you blue - thefundamental changes that have occurred (and are ongoing) in your life are ENORMOUS! You know I love you and think of you and quietly pull for you every day. We are trying to do the most insane number of things and be all things to our family - nurturers, housekeepers, attentive lovers, good friends, great mamas, cooks, bloggers and website masters AND BREADWINNERS. ARE WE FRIGGIN' CRAZY? I suspect so! ...and if we're not there yet...we'll be there soon enough! Fortitude troops! I love you, Jenn! Thanks for putting the post back up. Your friends and family appreciate your trust and are happy to be given the opportunity to support you.

Gretel said...

...oh...and I like your new banner!

kodeureum said...

I'm not trying to say I had it rougher but please count your blessings; "...having 2 people in the house with very unpredictable hours..." is a damn sight better than one person in a very small apartment even with predictable hours. I survived the difficult (yet immensely rewarding!) early years and so will you. Good luck with getting that PPD thing under control. :-)

Jenn said...

I have all the respect in the world for single parents - their job is incomparable. I do count my blessings every day, but all of our bodies and minds deal with things in a different way. Throw in a bazillion hormones and kaboom!! You never know what could happen!

Sarah said...

Jenn - you are amazing and brave and a wonderful mom. Look at the fantastic kid that you have! I can't wait to see you tomorrow to give you a big squeeze.

Kendra said...

Hey you, totally sorry for not keeping up with your blog this past week. I've been chattering at you about my breech baby blues, when you've got your own stuff going on. When next you are in town I think that we should brainstorm how to fix the job situation. Two half functioning brains are better then one half functioning brain! Meanwhile, I think that you're doing awesome and was just commenting to Lyndee on how great I think you've done this year!
much love,
Kendra