Monday, July 14, 2008

Dear Friends, Family, the UPS guy, and other strangers who drive their cars down my very long driveway,

When you come to my house, I judge you by how you park.

Explanation? Sure.

We have a nice long driveway, and when you get to the end of it, here at the house, you have some options of where to park your vehicle. If both our cars are snuggled up nice and close, you can usually park beside us. If not, well then, you're faced with a dilemma. Do you park on the grass? Do you park in front of the greenhouse? Or, do you just leave your car all willy nilly, smack in the MIDDLE of the driveway?

Either way, I judge you. (But you should know, if you're a willy-nilly, middle of the driveway parker, I judge you more.)

Willy-nilly parkers have no cares in the world. They have no respect for a shiny, straightly parked line of cars. Not to mention, WHAT IF I suddenly realize it's 5:50, and the liquor store, which is 8 minutes away, closes in 10 minutes? WHAT HAPPENS if I have to make willy-nilly move his carelessly parked car, to get my perfectly parked car out?? THEN WHAT?? Willy-nilly may not care, he may be on the wagon or something (hmmm, why did we invite him again?) but you can bet your bumper that I care!

Even better are the visitors who get here when only one of us is home, park all WN, and thus not only block the car from getting out, they also block anyone else who wants to get IN. Judging. Big time judging going on there. (It also irritates me when people block in my shiny red tractor, even if I'm not planning on using it. You never know when you may have a tractor emergency out here, and need to get that thing out in a jiffy!)

The cars just LOOK better all in a shiny little line. Call me anal, call me whatever you want, but it's true.

Most of my friends and family are good parkers. Frankly, they wouldn't be my friends if they weren't. Steve's parents always park all nice in front of the greenhouse, but not so they block in my shiny red tractor. My mom always manages to cozy up next to our cars, whether there is room or not. Mom sees a parking space where others may not, and lived for many a years with cars parked in an esthetically pleasing line, guided by a perfectly straight flower bed built by the king parker himself, my Dad (plus, I think she knows how mental it makes me.) My brother...well, my brother just drives his big assed truck up onto the lawn as close to the door as he can possibly get. Anyone who has the balls to drive a big assed truck like my brother's, also generally has the balls to park wherever the hell they feel like, and I figure he's allowed. Plus he's usually carting a ton of my stuff, and a case of beer or 2, so parking close to the door is downright practical.

So, consider yourself warned. It may not be right, it may not be nice, but I can't help it. TOTALLY judging.

(P.S. The folks who back out of our 500 foot long driveway instead of attempting the 3, sometimes 4 point turn to turn around? MASSIVE judging!!)


Lara said...

ha ha! now I want to visit just to see how I fare ;)

Kate said...

It's all about making split second, logical, tetris-playing decisions. Slide car into car-shaped slot: judge free. NEVER park behind something RED!

Regina said...

LOL - thanks for the morning smile!!! Yes - never ever ever block my Dad in - never know when he needs to go down and 'clean the store' (smoke his pipe in 'secret')

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

In the immortal words of Cher from Clueless, "Why learn how to park when everywhere you go has valet?"

That having been said, when I come to visit, I'm just going to hand you the keys! :)