Saturday, December 11, 2010

The name of my problem

So I've been having a few issues lately. I've been having "dizzy spells," that aren't really dizzy spells, but it was the best words that I could come up with to explain them. Basically, I'm walking around 80% of the time feeling like I'm drunk. Which is great for Friday nights, but not so great for stuff like driving. Or thinking. Or Parent-Teacher interviews. Stuff like that.

So I finally made it to the doctor this week, and now my drunken stupor has a name.

Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo.


To save you from reading the diatribe that is that website, I'll give to you in short: there's stuff rolling around in my inner ear, disturbing all the little inner ear hairs that tell the brain whether I'm standing up, laying down, moving forward, rolling over, and so on. I move my head to the right, send the "stuff" bouncing all over my ears, which tells my brain that I'm actually spinning around in circles, thus the "dizzy." But I'm not ACTUALLY dizzy. Just my brain thinks I'm spinning around in circles, but my body knows it's standing still.

It's a total mindf*ck, people.

The treatment is a simple maneuver that involves relocating the "stuff" by laying down and hanging upside down, and rolling over, and leaving your head hanging, and yadayadayada. Simple for most people. Except the hanging upside down over a bed part is less fun if your mindf*ck dizzy has also landed you with a cracked rib.

Good times.

The next part of the treatment involves keeping your head pretty much upright for AT LEAST 24 hours.

No bending over, no quick head movements, and no lying down.

Last night I slept in the Lazy Boy. It was far from awesome.

The doc recommended one night of this. The web page I read recommended two. EASY FOR IT TO SAY! Tonight, I'll be sleeping in my bed, come hell or eardrum debris. I'll repeat the shenanigans if necessary, but not sleeping in my bed for two nights in a row?


I'm going to be dizzy with sleep deprivation if I spend another night in that chair, and that is less useful to me than any ricocheting ear debris.

So that's my story. I'm glad that my drunkenness has a name, and I'm so glad it's not a nasty name like "tumor" or something. (It's a terrible thing, but stuff like that seems to be all around me these days, and headaches and dizzy spells can lead a person to have nasty thoughts about the cause.) And I'm glad the treatment is simple and painless. And for all the times I've cursed the ugliness that is the monstrosity of a Lazy Boy that lives in our living room, I sure was glad to have it last night.

But now I sleep. In my own bed...Baileys induced, and horizontal. G'night!

(Stay tuned for tomorrow...we're going to open a huge can of Christmas whoop-ass here, and whip this place into Christmas shape! And there will be pictures! Fancy pictures!)

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