I had a bit of a gloomy day. Missed my baby boy all day today, for no particular reason...maybe because I KNEW I was going to be late picking him up from day care - I was working till 6, Steve is in the city.
I arrived at day care at 6:30, long after all the rest of the kids were gone. Griffin was happily perched on a booster seat, shoveling mac and cheese in his face. I asked him if he wanted to go home and was greeted by a loud "NO!!" As in, "no way are you taking me from my dinner, lady!" So I sat and chatted with our care provider, while Griffin filled his face, and heard all about all the new things he's been doing, all the new words he's been saying, how he likes to run full tilt around the cul de sac when they're out playing, his new climbing abilities, his blossoming friendship with one of the other little boys and so on and so forth.
After enough chit chat, I dragged (quite literally) him away from his nearly finished mac and cheese and took him home, where sweet toddler was quickly replaced by exhausted, throwing things toddler. I gave him a bath, he threw ducks at me. I told him it was time to get out of the tub, he started screaming at me. I finally got him in his PJ's, snuggled up with him on the rocking chair, and got very, very sad.
I HATE that this other woman gets to spend so much more time with my baby than I do. She practically knows more about him than I do! I hate that she gets to enjoy all the fun times with him, and I get to "enjoy" all the cranky tired times. I HATE that I ask him if he wants to go home and he screams "NO!" I laugh and slough it off, but on the inside it breaks my heart. (I know it's mostly about the big bowl of food in front of him, but it still hurts like hell.) It kills me to work 6 days a week while I'm in rehearsal, and see Griffin for an hour in the morning, and a cranky hour in the evening, and one crazy Monday a week.
I always said that I didn't want to have kids just so someone else could raise them, but our financial situation puts us in a place where both of us need to be out there working. Some days it's not so bad. And other days, like today, it sucks big old monkey balls.
I must confess, I came downstairs from lying my precious boy down in his bed and went straight to the computer and typed "mls.ca" into my browser bar, wondering if there were any "options" for us to downsize, move into town where we could live with one car, get a part time job at the local quilt store, and stay at home with my baby. I don't know if its what I really want, considering how much we love this house, and how much we love living in the country, but if it makes the difference between being my son's best friend and being a stranger, then I'm absolutely willing to consider it. Because this - this day, this sinking feeling in my heart, and these tears welling up in my eyes - they all suck.