Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Gloomy day

I had a bit of a gloomy day. Missed my baby boy all day today, for no particular reason...maybe because I KNEW I was going to be late picking him up from day care - I was working till 6, Steve is in the city.

I arrived at day care at 6:30, long after all the rest of the kids were gone. Griffin was happily perched on a booster seat, shoveling mac and cheese in his face. I asked him if he wanted to go home and was greeted by a loud "NO!!" As in, "no way are you taking me from my dinner, lady!" So I sat and chatted with our care provider, while Griffin filled his face, and heard all about all the new things he's been doing, all the new words he's been saying, how he likes to run full tilt around the cul de sac when they're out playing, his new climbing abilities, his blossoming friendship with one of the other little boys and so on and so forth.

After enough chit chat, I dragged (quite literally) him away from his nearly finished mac and cheese and took him home, where sweet toddler was quickly replaced by exhausted, throwing things toddler. I gave him a bath, he threw ducks at me. I told him it was time to get out of the tub, he started screaming at me. I finally got him in his PJ's, snuggled up with him on the rocking chair, and got very, very sad.

I HATE that this other woman gets to spend so much more time with my baby than I do. She practically knows more about him than I do! I hate that she gets to enjoy all the fun times with him, and I get to "enjoy" all the cranky tired times. I HATE that I ask him if he wants to go home and he screams "NO!" I laugh and slough it off, but on the inside it breaks my heart. (I know it's mostly about the big bowl of food in front of him, but it still hurts like hell.) It kills me to work 6 days a week while I'm in rehearsal, and see Griffin for an hour in the morning, and a cranky hour in the evening, and one crazy Monday a week.

I always said that I didn't want to have kids just so someone else could raise them, but our financial situation puts us in a place where both of us need to be out there working. Some days it's not so bad. And other days, like today, it sucks big old monkey balls.

I must confess, I came downstairs from lying my precious boy down in his bed and went straight to the computer and typed "mls.ca" into my browser bar, wondering if there were any "options" for us to downsize, move into town where we could live with one car, get a part time job at the local quilt store, and stay at home with my baby. I don't know if its what I really want, considering how much we love this house, and how much we love living in the country, but if it makes the difference between being my son's best friend and being a stranger, then I'm absolutely willing to consider it. Because this - this day, this sinking feeling in my heart, and these tears welling up in my eyes - they all suck.

9 comments:

Donna said...

It's so tough, being a working mom. Despite the fact that we do spend more time with our babies than the caretaker, half or more of that time is while they are sleeping . . . making it not really count (or so it feels).
You're not alone!

robiewankenobie said...

i read a psychology article once that said that kids try to behave all day, and then trust you enough that they will melt down when you pick them up. you're their safe place. eh, i dunno, it made me feel better.

eventually, the job that i was working for the money, and missing my kid stopped working for me. i quit. now i stay home during the day, and run to the *bux at night. it is a fabulous fabulous job. basically, you make people happy, and get awesome benefits for 20 measly hours a week. the pay ain't great, but it all works out.

Gretel said...

I hear you loud and clear, babe! And as the timbre of this entry bears an uncanny likeness to my April 1 entry on my blog - I'd say our 'cycles' are in sync as you suggested might be the case when we chatted on the phone this morning. (But it bears REPEATING to anyone listening that PMS does not mean the feelings aren't real - just that our ability to keep 'em bottled up or to see the 'bright' side is temporarily diminished). I'm with you.

Regina said...

Just found your blog from SMS - and your very first post is SO right on the mark - my little guy is 3, and I crunch the numbers nearly every day to see if I can swing staying home with him. And every time the numbers say "no" it hurts a little more.

The Zookeeper said...

I could have written this blog...'cept our care provider is my MIL...an insentive moron once said at a family gathering as I carried him, and he reached for her..."Ethan loves his gramma more than his mommy"...bitch. Anyways, I feel ya. I'm looking for alternatives too. Some days it's ok and other days it def. sucks the monkey balls, like you said.

Coley said...

Here here. Warren's first day at daycare, I watched a 3 year old meltdown because his mom was there to pick him up, and he didn't want to leave. And I spent the entire night crying, just after watching someone else go through it. (Warren's only 3 months, so not quite voicing his opinions yet).
Poor mama.

Rhiannon said...

My husband and I really want to have children someday and these are the sort of things I worry about.

nettie said...

Those tears welling in your eyes... in mine too, from reading your 'gloomy day' post. Thirty years ago, I was in a very different situation, and was able to live a comfortable but poor (in $ terms) life with my little ones. Now MY daughter has a daughter and has just gone back to work, leaving our precious one in someone else's care. Things are very different these days, and I understand that, but it still makes me a little sad that someone else will see some of her milestones first. I agree with the comment above about the safety zone of your arms, and when it is OK to meltdown. Just think of the times that you want to rant and rave - you do it with your loved ones, don't you, because you know they care, they will comfort you, and they will always love you. When you feel sad about seeing the cranky times with your bub, just remember too all the laughs you share, and feel confident that your lifestyle is for his benefit in the long run. Sorry, I really didn't mean to sound preachy, it's just that, even though I'm only the granny in my family, I really feel for your sadness.

boondockramblings said...

Oh my gosh! This is me! I have this feeling so often and I find myself resenting the sitter like it is her fault my little boy is hugging her when I want him to be hugging me! It's like I see him an hour some nights and then he is asleep. It breaks my heart. I yearn for the weekends so I have two whole days with him and rarely schedule anything that doesn't include him because I see him so little during the week. This post went straight to my heart because it could have been me!