Thursday, October 01, 2009

“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.” Jack Handy

Here's a little tidbit of information that I can pretty much guarantee that you didn't know about me.

I have a very deep uterus.

I found this out three years ago when Griffin was born, when the midwife was jamming the heels of her hands into my abdomen gently palpitating my uterus to help it go back to...wherever it is that a uterus belongs, and she exclaimed "Wow! You have a very deep uterus!"

Um...thanks? I guess?

Days later, yet another midwife who was grinding my belly into my mattress gently palpitating my uterus exclaimed "Wow, your uterus is VERY deep....it's practically hugging your spine!"

Excellent. Deep uterus. Check. I filed this away under "useless information about myself," right next to "my second toe is freakishly longer than my big toe" and "I can't do that rolly sausage thingy with my tongue that everyone else in my family can do."

Until, low and behold, I find myself pregnant again, and think, "Hey...I have a deep uterus!! Well that explains a lot!!"

It explains why I have heard "wow, you're x months along? You don't LOOK that pregnant!" more times than I care to count. The story usually goes on to compare me to the story teller's sister in law, or their best friend's brother's girlfriend, who is "due around the same time you are, and is as big as a house!"

Yes, well, I'm guessing that your best friend's brother's girlfriend doesn't have a VERY DEEP UTERUS, does she?

At some point in this pregnancy, I got to wondering - if my very deep uterus is taking up all the space between "practically hugging my spine" and my belly button, where the heck has all the other stuff that usually occupies that space gone.

Like, oh, I dunno, my stomach?

Why, my stomach has been shoved about 12" closer to my throat, that's where! Hello heartburn, I see you've met my VERY DEEP UTERUS!

I think it also may explain my...um...digestive issues. All that space that my very deep uterus is occupying? I think the former tenants may have been about 23 feet of small intestine, followed by 5 feet of large intestine. And now, all the "stuff" trying to make it's way through those 28 odd feet...well, I imagine it's no picnic for that "stuff"...every time it turns a corner, its like SMASH!!! Oops, I seem to have run head on into a VERY DEEP UTERUS!! Now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense that the only thing getting through with any sort of regularity is GAS!

I don't suppose there's much I can do about it, except hope and pray that this baby is turned the right way, so there's no more spine hugging back labour from a kid who arrives sunny side up. Until then, my and my very deep uterus will continue on our merry way, happy in the knowing that my pants fit that little bit better than your best friend's brother's girlfriend, and her shallow, protruding uterus.

And heck, considering what we got out of my very deep uterus the last time around, I really don't suppose there's much to complain about!

4 comments:

thesmallmoments said...

You crack me up! One of the few things that I remember completely about the birth of the boys is my doctor exclaiming, "Wow! You have a very small uterus!" How in the world my uterus could be small with two very large twins is beyond me. Maybe he was being sarcastic. But later, in one of my follow up appointments he mentioned it again. Who knows! Happy Friday!

mom said...

You crack me up too! That's my girl!Love ya!

Leah said...

I always enjoyed being told that I looked small when I was wayyyyy preggers. Enjoy it! The only time in your life that you can be fat and your not! Its a good thing!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

OK. If somebody says, "You're so deep." you can smile and reply, "Why yes, yes I am." Hee hee!