Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Out of my control

When I sat down to write yesterdays post, what I really wanted to write about is the fact that I'm a stressbucket. And then I thought to myself: "Get over it. You just had a lovely long (sort of) weekend with a cute kid, and it's Thanksgiving, so be thankful for a few minutes and post some happy pictures." And then I actually listened.

But now?

It's not Thanksgiving anymore, and I'm still a stressbucket, so tonight I'm going to tell you about it.

The major cause of stress in my life?

In approximately 11 weeks, give or take, I am having a baby. That's not the stressful part. Babies I can do. I've done it before. However, we are planning a homebirth, and I have NO IDEA where that home is going to be! It could be this home. It could be the one we've mostly purchased, conditional on the sale of this house, which, as you can guess, still belongs to us!

Friends, I am a planner. I am a WAAAY ahead planner. If I knew we were staying put for the next few months, I'd be digging out the newborn clothes and the change table and the cloth diapers and all the other stuff that babies need. I'd be washing, I'd be sorting, I'd be quelling all the stuff we don't need and looking for stuff to fill the holes in our stock. But as it stands, I am terrified to even go near our basement storage area. It's like Pandora's Box down there, except Pandora's Box is buried under mountains of other shit that has been removed from other parts of our house - the stuff real estate agents refer to as "clutter."

However, I DON'T actually know that we're staying put. In fact, if this house sells, which it still certainly could, and which is really the desired outcome of all this, we could be MOVING sometime in the next 10 weeks. (Which, of course, would be entirely it's own bucket of stress, but at least then there would be a goal, an end in sight.)

It's funny, whenever I have taken the time to envision this birth, it happens in the new house. But as the time draws nearer, and the house still isn't ours, it gets harder and harder to do that. I've been doing some hypno-birthing research, but I just can not commit to it in my head until I can set the scene that goes along with all the other visualizations. Its REALLY hard to make plans, to see this come to fruition in my mind when I don't know where it all will take place.

Aside from the baby, there's all the other shit that comes with this. If we're going to be here for the winter, we should start thinking about putting up the snow fence, and the driveway markers, and getting the snowblower put onto the tractor and the tractor tuned up. We should put the door on the greenhouse. Swap out the storm windows. Blah blah blah. Except all that? Can't do it by my fat pregnant self, and since the husband it out of town at the moment, my only choice is to sit here and stress about it.

In life, there are things we can control, and things we can't. I can control what I eat for dinner, and today I chose popcorn. I LIKE being in control. I don't deal well, at all, with the things that are out of my control, and this my friends?

This is one of them.

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